


A Hairy Situation

by cruisedirector



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Body Hair, Crack, Doctor/Patient, Fetish, Hair Kink, Humor, Inappropriate Erections, Long Hair, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-27
Updated: 2006-05-27
Packaged: 2017-10-04 04:47:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruisedirector/pseuds/cruisedirector
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucius is balding, Snape is his doctor, unscrupulous remedies ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Hairy Situation

**Author's Note:**

> Written for The Snape-a-rama Instant-AU Challenge. The Prompt: Doctor (Snape) and patient (Lucius); Lucius is balding and quite upset about it. florahart came up with the prompt. dementordelta suggested that I owed it to readers to write some actual hair smut.

"There are several alternatives," Severus Snape recited by rote. "There are medications -- both prescription and over-the-counter -- dietary supplements, enzyme inhibitors and topical solutions. They don't work in all cases, and we can discuss replacement surgery if you wish, but I believe it would be premature to consider. You still have an impressive head of hair."

Impressive was an understatement: this patient, Lucius Malfoy, while showing some very early signs of thinning along his high forehead, had long, magnificent, lustrous locks that it had been a great pleasure for Snape to run his fingers through. He had very nearly exclaimed that the man had the most enticing hair Snape had encountered in his many years producing hair loss products.

"I've been told that you're the best." Though it was true, and Snape had the certificates and letters from happy patients to prove it, he felt himself reddening faintly at the praise. "I don't understand how this can be happening. My father died with a full head of hair. So did my mother's father, since I've been told it's passed down through the mother." Malfoy had not uttered the word _balding_ since he had set foot in the office. "In my home, there are portraits of my relatives going back generations. Not one ever had this...condition."

"Family history is only one factor in hair loss," Snape explained patiently. "There are a number of factors -- your age, your overall health, your intake of protein and vitamins..."

"There's nothing the matter with my health!" Malfoy insisted, his expression darkening. The glower in the pale blue eyes and the hint of color on his high cheekbones only emphasized his attractiveness. "I don't understand why I've been cursed with this!"

Snape thought about asking whether Malfoy had experimented with anything he shouldn't have when he was younger -- steroids to maintain that superb physique, or illicit drugs to increase potency -- but he suspected that such a question would only anger the man, and Malfoy was prepared to pay a great deal for Snape's aid in reversing his hair loss. "That is why I requested your records from your physician," Snape assured him. "You are in excellent health and would be for a man ten years younger than you are."

"Doctor," began Malfoy, and Snape felt that same odd, embarrassed pride. "What do you recommend?"

Snape had to withstand the temptation to say that he didn't see why Malfoy insisted upon doing anything -- a man as handsome as he was only needed hair as a bonus. Malfoy would have been equally striking completely bald. Unlike Snape himself -- he was aware that, while he had outgrown the extreme awkwardness of his youth and the medical lab coat loaned a certain stature, his own long hair was stringy and his skin pasty.

While he was in medical school, one of Snape's fellow students, an obnoxious, spoiled rich boy named James Potter, had the temerity to suggest that if Snape planned to pursue a career in plastic surgery or any of the cosmetic disciplines, he really should do something about his greasy hair and his ugly nose. Self-consciously, he rubbed at it, studying Malfoy, who tossed his long blond hair back imperiously.

"I'm sure you've done enough research to know that there is no perfect method to compensate for hair loss," Snape began. "If you will permit me to ask...hormones sometimes play a role. Have you experienced any symptoms such as..." He was treading on dangerous ground here. He didn't dare say anything like _erectile dysfunction_. "A lack of energy, or a decline in your aggressiveness...even the occasional extended response time from one sexual act to the next?"

Malfoy glanced sharply at him, then answered rather stiffly, "My wife is not..." He paused, thinning his lips, and Snape made a quick coded note: _Marital relations may be unsatisfactory to patient._ Holding his head erect, refusing to meet Snape's eyes, Malfoy studied the hideous painting of tuberoses on the wall behind him and said, "We have only one child. We had difficulty conceiving. If you think there may be a hormonal connection..."

"So many factors play a role in conception; it might simply be that the pH balance between your wife's fluids and yours was less than ideal." Lucius raised an eyebrow, and Snape continued, "Or your wife's womb might have had difficulty sustaining a pregnancy in the critical first weeks." Now Malfoy looked pleased, and Snape knew that it had been worth the risk to put the blame on the unknown fortunate woman who shared this man's bed. Even if she was foolish enough not to pursue him as ardently as he deserved. "In any case, I doubt that that has anything to do with your hair follicles. I assume that you haven't experienced unusual hair loss under your arms or in your groin?"

Malfoy's eyes dropped down unconsciously to regard his own body, and Snape felt a jolt of entirely inappropriate heat in his own groin. Most patients did not arouse him in the slightest -- they were vain, pathetic people trying to salvage what meager attractiveness they could manage -- but Malfoy moved and spoke like a genuine aristocrat. Snape entertained a brief fantasy of asking him to undress, even subjecting him to an entirely gratuitous prostate examination.

"I don't think I've lost any more hair than is usual," said Malfoy, looking as if he might suggest that Snape see for himself, which made Snape's prick twitch again. "Doctor, I've read that there are products being developed in Denmark that have been successful in..."

"Those products have been banned here," Snape said smoothly. He was certain that Malfoy knew it already. "There have been significant side effects. I cannot in good conscience advice you to risk chemicals which are known to pose any sort of health risk. You're in superb shape physically, you're a very attractive man, I understand your concerns about halting any further hair loss..."

"But they work?" Leaning forward, Malfoy offered him a small, conspiratorial smile. "I have connections." Somehow it came as no surprise that the man had dealings with organized crime, probably at the uppermost levels...Snape couldn't imagine him dealing with shady underworld characters. In a low voice, Malfoy added, "I think we both know that so many products are made illegal only because of poor government testing, bribery by large corporations and laziness on the part of the bureaucrats. If the major problem is accessibility, I can provide the drugs. But I wanted your expert opinion on whether they would be of use. I would be _very_ grateful for your assistance and it would be my pleasure to compensate you...in whatever coin you wished."

Too late Snape realized that Malfoy was looking at the erection tenting his lab coat. "Mr. Malfoy," he began.

"Call me Lucius. May I call you Severus?"

"If you like." Snape felt rather lightheaded. "I think perhaps it might be best if I referred you to another doctor."

"But I don't want another doctor." The conspiratorial smile had not gone away. "I want _you_, Severus." Those words only made the lightheadedness increase. "I had you checked out very thoroughly before I came here. I know that you graduated at the top of your class, that you worked in pharmaceuticals to earn the money to attend medical school, that you have a reputation for discretion with your impressive list of celebrity clients and that you frequent a certain pub in Vauxhall that attracts men who enjoy homemade hair products."

Once more, Snape turned scarlet. He'd been certain none of his rentboys had ever figured out who he was or what he did for a living, and his fetish for wanking into their hair had absolutely nothing to do with his work helping middle-aged men cling to the delusion of youth. "I've no intention of looking like a dignified older man so soon," continued Malfoy, sliding off the examination table to stand much too close to Snape. "I'm going to keep my hair, and you're going to help me. I promise, you won't be sorry. Now, where shall we begin? Shall we go to Denmark? Or to India -- I've read that gooseberry can be effective."

Snape had no need to go to Denmark or India; he knew every apothecary in the city, and was quite capable of brewing his own illicit hair potions. It wasn't a risk worth taking for most patients, but Malfoy was not "most patients" -- he was exceptional in every way. "Why don't we go to my flat," he suggested. "I have some -- experimental -- techniques that require privacy."

"I hoped you'd say that." Malfoy winked at him. "I have a flat in the city as well...I often stay there instead of traveling to Wiltshire. Perhaps you could set up a research facility there. I think you'll find that I'm a most cooperative patient so long as you achieve results."

With that sort of promise, Snape was determined to succeed.


End file.
